My Deception

How can I expect so much if I'm living unfaithfully?
You should be true, even if I give into hypocrisy.
I dream how you kiss her so passionately, this nightmare only host my insecurity.
I can't be with you politically, so we just meet up personally.
Top secret conspiracy. Assassinate my heart with ease.
Drop down my defenses, can I be your Mrs. ?
Well I passed on the four year plan and I refused to hold his hand.
I rejected his advances, so I remain romanceless.
We had a few facebook pokes, then there were the inside jokes.
It was simply a one night stand, like I said, I refused to hold his hand.
We walked alone, he called on the phone, the deception melts my heart to stone.
I swear how I felt is not how I feel, and if anybody ask, you're the closest thing to real.
Through it all, I hope I haven't lost my appeal.
These days I avoid your eyes, hoping my truth doesn't reveal the lies.
Hoping to hide my deception.

Gloomy Gaze

I wanna swim in a sea of happiness, shower me with love. I wanna be more than just your mistress, be the only one your thinking of. You stand there with my heart in your hand, you wear the bloody glove. When the sun don't shine you take it, take my heart and break it. Lead me on, leave me lonely, say goodbye and miss me. Gloomy gaze on repeat, rewind, playback and de-lete.

Mr. Nice Guy

Mr. Nice Guy, 2nd year and I'm ready. I'll do anything that you ask of me. Check my resume. It's all here, everything you asked for my dear.

Lucky for you my innocence is still maintained. I know your wondering, it's crossed your brain.

Mr. Nice Guy with such kind words, my feelings of discontent are so absurd! Cause there you stand, damn near perfection with smooth lines and a great complexion.

Mr. Nice Guy, you were always so patient. It was me who brought all the complications.

Mr. Nice Guy, such a fly guy, I let you go, I'm not sure why.

Mr. Nice Guy, just so humble. I broke your heart and watched it crumble.

Mr. Nice Guy, just so sweet, actions speak louder than words, cause talk is cheap.

Mr. Nice Guy, 10 cents per lie. Damn you're rich ,Oh My!

Mr. Nice Guy, you stand so small, your ego is the only thing so tall.

I do declare, I tried I tried

No more Mr. Nice Guy....

Prototype

If he was the prototype he'd be just right, with such imperfections that I could appreciate. We would waste time together because we had nothing greater to do, than to stare blankly and breathe deeply during the awkward silence and search for phrases in a hurry...too late, the cricket sound is already playing. But I don't mind the silence, we can just be quiet and listen to our hearts skip a beat, that would be alright with me. The wind blows past our finger tips, I'm convinced our hands will touch, causing a rush. It's just a little too much for me to handle. I've been conditioned to run away as soon as something real appears. Fantasies and dreams never had this scratch and sniff feature, in that false reality humans were intangible creatures. Don't be alarmed if I hold on a little longer, a little tighter. I'm not tryna get a cheap thrill, I just finally have something I can feel. And the skies could fall any second now but the damage is already done, so it really doesn't matter if I've lost or if I've already won. My heart has melted to stone, but anythings better than being alone. Tell me "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." Tell me more as I dust myself off from the fall. If he is the prototype, he's just right, my imperfections, he can appreciate.

Subconsciously...

Subconsciously I count down your day as if it were my own
Just to say words you've already heard a thousand times
But I'll drop the line
And wait for your reply
I'll patiently wait for the blue light
All I got is this greenlight
It should mean go
But not quite

Subconscious was a lie
It's all conscious
But I'm not sure why
Maybe cause you deserted my heart
Left it somewhere in the beach sand
Or on the streets of LA
Silent, with nothing to say
Lands away
Subconsciously I create a false reality
I am conscious
Wide awake
As you walk away from me
Empty words
And past tense verbs
Lately you circulate my mind
Subconsciously

Identity Pt II

My mind is spinning right now. I tried to focus my attention on one topic but that doesn't seem to be working. So.....

Recently, I was in a group discussion about identity and whom each individual identified with; was the core of their identity with their gender, race, religion, sexuality, personality, etc. ? I have a hard time answering this question because I feel it's a tie between race and gender. When I wake up in the morning, I definitely recognize that I am a woman. But when I go out into the world, I am Black. Behind closed doors I can be whatever I choose, but when I exit, I am labeled, I am categorized, I am "identified" as something.

My womanhood is definitely a key component of my identity. I consider myself a feminist (via dictionary.com : a person advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men) and I represent my ladies, as well as the "feminine experience" to the fullest. On the other hand, I am very in tuned with my race. The reason for this ( I believe) is because it's something that I have to face on a day to day basis, especially being a minority on campus. Being apart of two oppressed identities is quite interesting...to say the least.

In trying to answer the question at hand, I thought about...when I walk into a room do people notice my gender or my race? In describing me, would someone say, " That Black girl" or " that girl...she's Black."


The next thing I thought about was..... if I walk into a room and I see a group full of women and a group full of African-Americans (let's switch up the terms here. We just have a such a variety of names...Negro, Colored, Black, African-American), which one would I instinctively go to? My guess was the latter. I suppose I would choose this group because I'd feel more comfortable around people that look like me.

Just a random thought: How can you find comfortability with people that look like you and still feel uncomfortable at the same time?

I'll leave that to marinate.....

So as much as I'd like to say that I identify with women more, I'm starting to feel like race is the answer to this question. In a sense, I don't like this answer because I feel like external factors are leading me to this conclusion, rather than internal.

Especially with the presidential election, race is such a popular topic these days (not that it's ever been unpopular). The more racist and ignorant, unexamined thoughts I hear, the more angry I become.

In other news....I'm getting closer to my dreams. So I'm just going to pray about them and let God lead the way.....

Identity

Unknown
To myself and to the world
I am just a girl
Invisible
Non-approachable
A smile, a wave and a hug
It's all forgotten
Unknown
Undiscovered
Unwritten
A fear of knowing myself
And who is she?
She is everything and anything
you want her to be
She is defined by an image
that is not all her own.
Misconceptions, preconceptions of
Morals, standards, ideals
Self security is a facade
We're all searching for our identity.