Big City, Big Dreams

Big city big dreams
Tell me what does that mean
I'm addicted
I'm a fiend
To the limelight
Or so it seems
Let's toast to the nightlife
Let's get high as a kite
Raise our drinks to the ceiling
Are you gettin that feeling?
Let me shake it in this freakum dress
And these stilettos shoes
Until my feet begin to bruise

Round 2...this is to the good life
Better than my 9 to 5
Big city big things
Nice cars and diamond rings
High in spirits
Slurred in words
Seen but rarely heard

BIG CITY...JUST DREAMS

Can I....?

Can I inspire you tonight?
Would that be alright?
Influence the way you walk,
The way you talk?
The things you say,
Would that be okay?

Can I invade your mind,
Borrow a little of your time?
Take up some mental space,
A resonation of my face?

Can I bumrush your dreams?
You become my fien?
Live me, breathe me,
I'm the only one in sight.
Can I inspire you?
If only for tonight.....

Where Did It All Go Wrong?

Something I wrote a long time ago...it's funny that it is still applicable and will be until the end of time....

Do you remember the day you realized you liked someone as more than just a friend? Does anyone remember their first sandbox crush? I'm sure then it was innocent but then as you got older, things began to get a little more complicated, as they always do. Personally, I can't remember where things went wrong.....

Maybe it was when mankind began to classify “love” as a game, as a plaything, as some form of entertainment. Despite the consequences of our actions, we believe there is no harm in having a little fun. I'm sure we are all guilty of this. I'm certainly guilty of playing with peoples emotions all for personal gain, for bending the truth to acquire temporary satisfaction because I thought it was fun. When we're bored and (for some of us) desperate for attention, we'll do just about anything; LIE, CHEAT, and DECEIVE, just to name a few.

As much as we've done these things to others, they have been to done to us as well. We've been lied to, cheated on and deceived. When we are on the receiving end somehow it doesn't feel so great. We are left to feel like the fool when it's all said and done. Somehow entertainment isn't so amusing when the joke is on us. But the crazy thing is after all of that, after being on the other side of things we still don't learn (or do we?). We go back to our same ways.....

This is a game where we keep our options open because we are so young that we don't want to be tied down. Because of course the concept of commitment is so hard for our young minds to grasp (obvious sarcasm). This a game where it's okay to play with people's emotions, where misleading actions are cool because there is an obvious understanding that it's all a game. Both parties are definitely aware of this correct? I guess if there was an obvious understanding in this game, if the rules were mastered by all the players then heartbreak wouldn't exist in this world. If so, then everyone would be content with “All is fair in love (and war)” and would instantly move on. Guess the obvious isn't so obvious after all.....

What gives us the right to play these deceitful games at the expense of others?
We are selfish....I am selfish.

Said It All.....

So innocent and precious you are, but what's hiding behind that smile, are there deep dark scars? Is it genuine or just a front, easier to be passive and give people what they want? Half hugs and a question of how are you, today I could care less. But my perceived concern leaves you content, your ego stroked and carressed. Run away, skip away, as we say. Leave your words undone. Doesn't matter how you left the puzzle, just as long as you had some fun. I finally maned up to your responsibility, mustered up all the courage inside of me. But maybe I'm crazy, I refused to see the signs right in front of me, in hopes that I could achieve my prototypic creation, perhaps it was my overactive imagination. So I check my reflection, but I point my finger in another direction, but maybe I should point it at myself, because in this room, there's no one else. I guess it was inevitable, I was bound to fall. Everything you didn't say, said it ALL.

Since Your Departure....

Since your departure I've questioned my mortality
If I had to leave today
I'd wanna do so with grace and morality
As I imagine you did.
As your body lies there
Your spirit resides up there
And I am down here
Crying here
Trying here
To compose myself
Like everyone else.
The skylights change
He preaches his word
With such animated
adjectives, nouns and verbs.
The music plays
The memories appear
Distorted chuckles
are really a mass
of uncontrollable tears
An ocean of cries
Scared to ask why
A sea of dark garments
Sitting and standing
To see you off
To say goodbye.
My blood shot eyes
My tears dried.
A motivation
An inspiration
I don't question
I don't ask
I simply live,
learn,
and breathe
With every moment,
Make it last.

If I Were A Boy.....

If I Were A Boy...
I could tell you sweet things
Arrange special meetings
Play your favorite song
Beg you to sing along
Make you the mother of my child
Have you laugh out loud
Ask you to hold my hand
Claim to be a man
Call you on the phone
Just cause I feel alone
Send you signals hot and cold
I saw this coming but I never told
"We can keep this going as long as you don't sweat me
I don't have time for the commitment you know I'm extra busy
I'm cute, I'm cuddly, I'm coy
What can I say? I'm just a boy."

Lesson Learned

I couldn't make up my mind but my heart had decided
The two conflicted
and my worlds collided
I couldn't get it together
so I remain divided.
I made it past spring, summer and fall
Winter's approaching and I have nothing at all
Except this shadow when the sun shines occasionally
And this umbrella when the days get rainy
Perfect, just when I needed a body to cling to
Leave, this is what you do.
Saw you walking the other day
I turned my head and looked the other way
I couldn't stand to see your face
Wonder who she is and when she'll take my place.
I'm glad I could serve as a play thing
But we can keep it right here
Maintain this blur my dear
I'm asking for too much
I should be satisfied with this part-time
It's gotta be enough.
What was suppose to be a Sweet November
Quickly turned bitter
From a boil
Down to a light simmer.
Fall's weather will deceive
The sunshine and the brightly colored leaves
Mask the cut throat winds
Any leftover warmth leaves you,
You are chilled within
Sit and wait for winter to begin.
Too bad this spark fails to keep me warm
But I'm the one to blame
One heart can't ignite a flame
I'm only slightly charred and partially burned
No regrets just Lesson Learned.

Whisky Whisky

Somehow I thought I could find the answer in that carton of ice cream, or that bottle of whisky, or by re-reading the letters that you sent me. I thought that it was simple like my nightlife, dinner and a movie, that's all I'm use to, the life that you showed me. Tonight I'm faded. Whisk me away on your spaceship. You're my designated driver because I'm intoxicated. The skies are falling but I'm too out of it to notice. Tell me I'm significant, read me a line. Give a watch, so maybe I can get some time. Tell me that I'm one in a million. Until now I was too cynical to get caught up in feelings. I went from cloud nine to a dusted rusted flying carpet that even Saboo wouldn't approve of. Contradiction= the true meaning of love. Whatever this is...I've had enough. So pour me a glass of that good stuff. It's been a long day and I've had it rough. Phone on silent.

A carton of ice cream. A bottle of whisky. I'll sip slowly. Give a good ol' boy a chance to miss me.

Don't underestimate the power of a little whisky whisky!

Vote and Live!

November 4th, 2008

One of the most important elections in history. I'm not that into politics, I don't know much about the issues: the economy, the war, healthcare, etc. But what I do know is that this election is very important. This is the first time an African-American and a woman are running in the presidential election. So this is a VERY HISTORICAL moment. It shows the progression of our country, we've come a long way and we have a long way to go!

First off let me say that voting was one of the most exciting experiences ever. This was my first time voting (I missed the primaries). It was truly a liberating experience, I must say. After class, I headed over to the polls to vote. There was a line but I didn't care. Even if I had to stand their for hours (like many people in other states had to do) I would have done it because its that important. While I was in line I was feeling a little nervous, a lot of excitement, pride and a host of other feelings I probably can't even put into words. Women were denied the right to vote for years, African-Americans were denied the right to vote even longer. So for me not to exercise my right to vote would be disrespectful to my gender and my race. People have said voting doesn't matter because of how the electoral college works and because California is a "blue" state. But either way why shouldn't I exercise my right to vote. The least I can do is exercise my RIGHT to vote, the RIGHT that they fought for, the RIGHT that they died for. People have said it's a priviledge to vote, no it's my RIGHT, my human right, my God-given right. If nothing else I voted for all those people who never got the chance, if not for me, I voted for them.

Now for all those people hating on Obama.... I can respect a difference in political views, but most of the reasoning I've heard from people is stupid (for a lack of a better word). When I see Black people not support Obama it upsets me. Now I believe that we shouldn't base this election on race. People shouldn't just vote for Obama because he is a Black man. Before I continue, let me say he is a man of mixed heritage, both Black and White. He represents both groups but people don't want to recognize that in a good way. He's either "too Black" or "not Black enough". Get over yourselves you stupid ignorant people who say things like that, do you hear how ridiculous you sound. Now back to my other thoughts.... when Black people don't support Obama is upsets me because he isn't a bad candidate. His policies are not horrible and I can gurantee he will do a much better job than our current retard of a president, who is highly unfavored even by his own party! So I guess I'm saying on the one hand people shouldn't have voted for Obama simply because he is Black but it is something to take into consideration. He's thee First to make it this far! and people are taking it lightly, too lightly, especially our Black youth.

Do you know what this means to us as a race. To finally even be considered for president and not only that, but to have a good chance at winning the presidency. And people want to come up with excuses about why they can't or won't vote. You gotta be kidding me people! Wake Up And Smell the Coffee. I'm just getting frustrated with peoples shenanigans and foolishness. The new generation needs to step it up, we are going to be running this country in the future years. Wake up now, the world is changing. So are you just going to sit around and do nothing!

Well election day is coming to an end. 2 more hours until the Los Angeles polls are closed. And then we await the polls to close in Hawaii for the final final call. But I'm sure we will know before then. I can only hope for the best. I believe Obama can make some change in this nation. He can't do it all but I think he's a step in the right direction. I just hope that if he does win that people can accept him as a Black man, I hope that people can see him as more than just his race and see him for his leadership, for his integrity (which he's shown throughout the election unlike the Republicans with their dirty campaigning. There are politics and then there are dirty attacks which cross the line. Then there is the hypocrisy that surely exist in the Republican party. They have conservative views and preach abstinence but yet our wannabe VP Palin has a pregnant daughter that just turned 18 and now all of sudden teen pregnancy is okay. Give me a break! I'm not saying we should ridicule teen mothers, that would be wrong. But don't say something is wrong and then when one of your own does it, you simply write it off and make everything seem good. Now it's acceptable. Not to mention that if one of Obama's daughters had been pregnant, the Republican party would have had a field day. That would have been their main focus.."Obama doesn't live up to good American values and doesn't raise his children right." That's what they would have said. I know it. You know. They know it. Hell we all know it.), for his good character and sportsmenship. Obama isn't perfect, but like I said he isn't a bad candidate and I support him and the change he is trying to make in our country.

Like I said, I don't know much about politics, not much about the issues, but from what I have seen, he has a genuinely good character and that is what matters most to me. So if and when I see Obama win this election, when I see him deliver his inagurial speech and accept his position as commander in chief, President of the United States, maybe then, just then, I will be able to say with honesty and pride,

"I am proud to be an American. I am proud to be apart of a country headed not only by an African-American BLACK man, but a GOOD LEADER!"

All that emotion made my head hurt and I need a drink...serve me up some whisky whisky Tillmore. lol

My Deception

How can I expect so much if I'm living unfaithfully?
You should be true, even if I give into hypocrisy.
I dream how you kiss her so passionately, this nightmare only host my insecurity.
I can't be with you politically, so we just meet up personally.
Top secret conspiracy. Assassinate my heart with ease.
Drop down my defenses, can I be your Mrs. ?
Well I passed on the four year plan and I refused to hold his hand.
I rejected his advances, so I remain romanceless.
We had a few facebook pokes, then there were the inside jokes.
It was simply a one night stand, like I said, I refused to hold his hand.
We walked alone, he called on the phone, the deception melts my heart to stone.
I swear how I felt is not how I feel, and if anybody ask, you're the closest thing to real.
Through it all, I hope I haven't lost my appeal.
These days I avoid your eyes, hoping my truth doesn't reveal the lies.
Hoping to hide my deception.

Gloomy Gaze

I wanna swim in a sea of happiness, shower me with love. I wanna be more than just your mistress, be the only one your thinking of. You stand there with my heart in your hand, you wear the bloody glove. When the sun don't shine you take it, take my heart and break it. Lead me on, leave me lonely, say goodbye and miss me. Gloomy gaze on repeat, rewind, playback and de-lete.

Mr. Nice Guy

Mr. Nice Guy, 2nd year and I'm ready. I'll do anything that you ask of me. Check my resume. It's all here, everything you asked for my dear.

Lucky for you my innocence is still maintained. I know your wondering, it's crossed your brain.

Mr. Nice Guy with such kind words, my feelings of discontent are so absurd! Cause there you stand, damn near perfection with smooth lines and a great complexion.

Mr. Nice Guy, you were always so patient. It was me who brought all the complications.

Mr. Nice Guy, such a fly guy, I let you go, I'm not sure why.

Mr. Nice Guy, just so humble. I broke your heart and watched it crumble.

Mr. Nice Guy, just so sweet, actions speak louder than words, cause talk is cheap.

Mr. Nice Guy, 10 cents per lie. Damn you're rich ,Oh My!

Mr. Nice Guy, you stand so small, your ego is the only thing so tall.

I do declare, I tried I tried

No more Mr. Nice Guy....

Prototype

If he was the prototype he'd be just right, with such imperfections that I could appreciate. We would waste time together because we had nothing greater to do, than to stare blankly and breathe deeply during the awkward silence and search for phrases in a hurry...too late, the cricket sound is already playing. But I don't mind the silence, we can just be quiet and listen to our hearts skip a beat, that would be alright with me. The wind blows past our finger tips, I'm convinced our hands will touch, causing a rush. It's just a little too much for me to handle. I've been conditioned to run away as soon as something real appears. Fantasies and dreams never had this scratch and sniff feature, in that false reality humans were intangible creatures. Don't be alarmed if I hold on a little longer, a little tighter. I'm not tryna get a cheap thrill, I just finally have something I can feel. And the skies could fall any second now but the damage is already done, so it really doesn't matter if I've lost or if I've already won. My heart has melted to stone, but anythings better than being alone. Tell me "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." Tell me more as I dust myself off from the fall. If he is the prototype, he's just right, my imperfections, he can appreciate.

Subconsciously...

Subconsciously I count down your day as if it were my own
Just to say words you've already heard a thousand times
But I'll drop the line
And wait for your reply
I'll patiently wait for the blue light
All I got is this greenlight
It should mean go
But not quite

Subconscious was a lie
It's all conscious
But I'm not sure why
Maybe cause you deserted my heart
Left it somewhere in the beach sand
Or on the streets of LA
Silent, with nothing to say
Lands away
Subconsciously I create a false reality
I am conscious
Wide awake
As you walk away from me
Empty words
And past tense verbs
Lately you circulate my mind
Subconsciously

Identity Pt II

My mind is spinning right now. I tried to focus my attention on one topic but that doesn't seem to be working. So.....

Recently, I was in a group discussion about identity and whom each individual identified with; was the core of their identity with their gender, race, religion, sexuality, personality, etc. ? I have a hard time answering this question because I feel it's a tie between race and gender. When I wake up in the morning, I definitely recognize that I am a woman. But when I go out into the world, I am Black. Behind closed doors I can be whatever I choose, but when I exit, I am labeled, I am categorized, I am "identified" as something.

My womanhood is definitely a key component of my identity. I consider myself a feminist (via dictionary.com : a person advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men) and I represent my ladies, as well as the "feminine experience" to the fullest. On the other hand, I am very in tuned with my race. The reason for this ( I believe) is because it's something that I have to face on a day to day basis, especially being a minority on campus. Being apart of two oppressed identities is quite interesting...to say the least.

In trying to answer the question at hand, I thought about...when I walk into a room do people notice my gender or my race? In describing me, would someone say, " That Black girl" or " that girl...she's Black."


The next thing I thought about was..... if I walk into a room and I see a group full of women and a group full of African-Americans (let's switch up the terms here. We just have a such a variety of names...Negro, Colored, Black, African-American), which one would I instinctively go to? My guess was the latter. I suppose I would choose this group because I'd feel more comfortable around people that look like me.

Just a random thought: How can you find comfortability with people that look like you and still feel uncomfortable at the same time?

I'll leave that to marinate.....

So as much as I'd like to say that I identify with women more, I'm starting to feel like race is the answer to this question. In a sense, I don't like this answer because I feel like external factors are leading me to this conclusion, rather than internal.

Especially with the presidential election, race is such a popular topic these days (not that it's ever been unpopular). The more racist and ignorant, unexamined thoughts I hear, the more angry I become.

In other news....I'm getting closer to my dreams. So I'm just going to pray about them and let God lead the way.....

Identity

Unknown
To myself and to the world
I am just a girl
Invisible
Non-approachable
A smile, a wave and a hug
It's all forgotten
Unknown
Undiscovered
Unwritten
A fear of knowing myself
And who is she?
She is everything and anything
you want her to be
She is defined by an image
that is not all her own.
Misconceptions, preconceptions of
Morals, standards, ideals
Self security is a facade
We're all searching for our identity.

Date Myself....

I tried to date myself...
I knew all the right things to say, I just couldn't find the words.
I knew all the places to take myself, but it was no fun.
I understood that simplistic romance, but I couldn't find ways to show it.
I'd take myself for a walk in the park, my hand in my hand, yet frolicking wasn't the same alone.
I'd call myself up, but all I'd get was a dial tone.
I'd take myself for walks on the beach, the sun warmly shining, the breeze blowing through my hair, but this moment was pointless, I could not share.
I'd gaze into my own eyes, but it was hardly romantic starring at my own reflection.
I'd laugh at my own jokes, they quickly got old. I took inside jokes to a literal level.
I'd try to make time, but there was barely room for self.
I tried to see past my faults and love unconditionally.
Finally, I realized I wasn't my type. So I walked up to self slowly and said "It's not me, it's you."
The thrill was gone. It was no fun being alone.
I tried to date myself, but it just didn't work out.....

Patience

Patience seems to be a recurring topic. Whether it's in love or life, patience seems to be the key. According to Benjamin Franklin (or so I've heard), "he that can have patience, can have what he will." Lately, all I've been preaching is patience. Patience this and patience that, however, it's much easier to preach than practice. In order to practice such patience, you need discipline. In addition to that you can't let emotion overpower logic. But again...that's easier said than done. With that said, I have come to understand (but not justify) how many people get into certain predicaments.

The question is: why do we lack patience? The simple answer is: We want a quick fix. It's easier to be hasty than to wait. Why wait for something that you could have instantly? The answer to that....quality. A quick fix is just that....quick and temporary. To fill a void, we substitute it with the nearest thing possible. It may not be what we want or possess all the qualities we need (want), but it will do...so we settle.

Patience can definitely be a good thing and ultimately prove to be rewarding in the end.

But can someone have too much patience???

Lately, I've found that I've had so much patience that it's wearing thin (if that even makes sense). At what point do you say enough is enough and move on with your life. Patience is not equivalent to waiting around for something or someone forever. Patience is about letting things come to you when they are ready. In saying that, you have to be accepting that some things will not happen. Patience is knowing that when one door closes another one will open. And trust, another door will open, sooner or later, if not instantly.

"Be patient", she once told me.

-Brit :)